Anger and pain. What comes first… the violence or the hurt? Spinning me around, fast and furious, in a crazy circle, till I’m numb and dizzy with the thoughts. Turning and twisting. Out of control torturous torque hurtling to the edge-of-the-edge of my humanity.
Pandora’s box. Don’t go there, my soul thuds. The mind doesn’t care. “I have to, I got to, I need to.” The brain shouts my heart down.
I kick, curse, rant. I wish I could cause Pain. Like this Pain that I feel to the end of all eternity. Ah! The thought of hating something so much. It gives me a new-found power, the pleasure of Hate.
Infinite, bottomless pit of hate. Hate that makes me scream till my lungs turn blue, violence that swells in my heart as I heave and sigh with the dull aching of memories unlocking new delusions. New possibilities for my sinews to throb with violence.
I turn turn turn. Every breathless pause gasping for more. Anger and pain. anger and Pain. My throat cries out in protest, the brain wants more. I can’t stop for I might feel the pain. “No, not now,” interrupts that meddlesome brain. I need anger, for my pulsing, exhausted veins are hot and swollen. Anger, that feeds off my pain. My fix, my addiction, my will to survive.
I draw strength. From the cuts and the lashings. From scars embedded deep in my memory. Long-forgotten, waking up to the calls of my frenzied revolution. An unstoppable dynamo plugged to my pain.
I rise and swell, in the comforting thought. Enervating joy! I see the foe in the distance. A frail, diminutive figure in the mirage. I rush forward, a whirlwind of spite and bruised pride. Nearer and nearer. Unstoppable juggernaut.
The haze clears. The mind stops, a bullet shattering the raging thoughts. Anger flees. A million shattered shards lie fallen. Only pain remains. Sharp, mind-sapping, pain like I never felt before.
The mirage is gone. The air is still. The vortex crumples, the center does not hold. There! I see my love. Love that gave me hope beyond life. Love that kept me human all along. Love that I forgot for a moment in time. Love that now lay limp, wounded by my anger, crippled by the delusions of my mind.
hey – is this Som I’ve known all my life or was it my delusion!! Very very powerful, girl – don’t let it overwhelm you, though :)
Amazed at how real this pain sounds. I mean, it almost seems physical, the way you’ve described it! And it’s very lyrical prose Sowm…:)